June 16, 2010

Rick Reilly is a Complete Idiot

Rick Reilly, an ESPN columnist and host of "Homecoming" (where athletes go to their home town and talk about their success), has decided to write a column about things that 'ruin' soccer. I've decided to call him out on that.

He made a list of 10 things. (Well, okay, 8. He just repeated himself 3 times because he couldn't think of anything else.) So I figured I'd just go down the list and explain these things to this obviously under(soccer)educated and clueless man.

1/4/10 -- Vuvuzelas. He says they're annoying. Three times, in fact, without giving a real explanation. Just that he wants singing, sort of. Basically he uses these three points to complain that soccer is boring. Well, Mr. Reilly, despite you saying  "I don't care if it's a part of their culture", it is. Just like Thunder Sticks, *BOOM*BOOM* DE-FENSE, the slow clap, horrible rap music between batters/DURING basketball games, (can I stop now?). Okay, it's the same noise the whole game, but is it really THAT bad? Personally, I love it. I'm just glad you're not commentating the game. The last thing Americans need is another Joe Morgan or Joe Buck babbling on about something other than the game DURING THE GAME.

2 -- Embarrassing Photographer Bibs. Were you really sitting in your den at 10:30AM thinking "those poor, poor photographers...If only they could wear their favorite name-brand t-shirt like US photographers!" You were asked to write about 10 things that piss you off about the World Cup, and so far 40% of them make you look like a complete idiot. Let's carry on.

3 -- The Twinkie-Fingered Gloves the Goalkeepers Wear. You mean you want to get rid of the gloves that every keeper wears from young club soccer all the way through the world's biggest stage because they look silly..? "No wonder the English goalkeeper allowed that easy shot..." Are you serious? Should catchers use their bare hands because you think their gloves look like Honey Buns? Maybe basketballs look like doughnut holes...let's get rid of those, too. Can we have David Villa kick a ball at your bare hands and see if you stop it? Maybe you'll ask for something that offers a little padding...Hm.

5 -- All The Faking. This might be his only valid point, but he explains it horribly. The constant falling of some players, including one of my favorites (Christiano Ronaldo), has been a problem as long as soccer has been around. The easiest way for me to explain it to someone is that MOST players stay down to get a quick rest. (You try running for an hour and a half, then get kicked in the thigh while running full speed. You'll want to sit for a second, too.) Players caught taking an obvious dive are awarded a yellow card, and it happens more than you'd think. If you are hurt enough for the training staff to come out, you can't come back on the field until the referee tells you to. Besides, by your own account, American sports athletes (ESPECIALLY IN THE NBA) do the exact same thing.

6 -- The Yellow Cards. Okay, this could be the dumbest argument in the history of arguments. It's like hating the NFL '10-yard penalty' because it's not 15-yards. A yellow card is a step up from a normal infraction that gives the other side a free kick. A yellow card is one away from putting your team down a player. A yellow card is just like a warning in baseball. It's like a 5th foul in the NBA (or a 4th college) plus a technical. You, sir, clearly just want people to hate soccer.

7 -- The Ties. If you don't like ties DRAWS don't watch the opening round. The whole chess match that is soccer is trying to tally points to be at the top of your group. "Doesn't anybody want to win in this sport?" You're an idiot.

8 -- The World Cup Itself. You dislike the trophy? You are the bane of my existence, you imbecile. You're treating the world's biggest and most important single-sport event, something that unites nations and people groups across the world, the same way a horrible stand up comedian treated airline food in the 90's.

9 -- Stoppage Time. Obviously you misunderstand the entire sport. THE CLOCK KEEPS TICKING. There aren't timeouts. There aren't quarters. There aren't TV breaks. 45 minutes of pure sport. Time is added depending on how many injuries, goals, etc there are. It ensures a team can't just hold the ball in the keepers hands or somewhere for the last 5 minutes of the game. Besides, didn't you just complain about ties? If the New Zealand vs. Slovakia game wasn't tied, the goal in the 93rd minute would've been the game winner. Instead, it created a tie, which for the Kiwis was amazing (the first time they hadn't lost at the World Cup!).

Basically, Mr. Reilly is trying to turn on-the-fence people against soccer. If you don't like it, fine. Don't like it. But in his position, he has the ability to sway people. He gives water-cooler Joe Schmo something to retort back to the soccer fans who are talking about North Korea's disciplined defense and how they turned away so many Brazilian attacks.


  1. soccer blows...world cup is for poor countries

  2. most popular sporting event in the world, also has the richest countries in the world. you have no facts, unfortunate.

  3. Yeah, Spain, Germany, France, the United States, Brazil, Italy, the Netherlands, Japan, Denmark, Switzerland are some of the poorest countries on this planet. STARVING TO DEATH to be exact. Watch what you say you dumb elitist bitch. It so happens to be the leaders of the free world play excellent soccer...

  4. I have no idea what just happened.

  5. Soccer is only the most popular sport in the world because all it takes is a fucking ball, hence third countries all love it.

    And go fuck yourself, you're probably the type that jerks it to anything that represents anything that American culture doesn't enjoy. so go beat it to europe and socialism fucker.

    I like the blog but soccer fucking sucks